Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
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If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.