Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
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Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.