Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.