Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
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A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
LOL
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I beg you to euthanise me
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.