Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.