Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

True

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?