Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get marriage

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”