I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
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“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend