Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.