Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
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I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Same post same
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.