Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.

Just didn’t want it to be a cop.

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks