me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
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“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*