Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.