Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

I like it thick and deep

Pizza

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

how do y’all walk in shallow water

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses