me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
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“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
