me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
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You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
man i love columbo
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
some things should go without saying
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Not helping