Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

Coffee is ready.

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

what do you want

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

Its a hippotatomus

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions