Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf