Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
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Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws