Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.