Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
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I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Cashiers are always checking me out
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.