Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
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Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
They’re really bad with fonts.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”