Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
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I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Better luck next time champ
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
boys are so easy to impress
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.