Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
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If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Tastes like chicken.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.