Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
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To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
one last job
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
this is so top tier i cant
*bites zombie*
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.