Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
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If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.