ME: I’d like to be your quarterback
MANAGER: This is a Dominos
ME: The sign said “Hiring All Positions”
MANAGER: [pauses for a moment, then takes out a Jersey from his desk] Touché
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I’ve watched this a hundred times so far.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
ALEX TREBEK: it says here that you are on jeopardy
AT: this can’t be your fun fact
ME: *whispers* i don’t have anything else ok
Lick it. LICK IT FASTER!
– parents who let their kids have ice cream cones in the car
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Producer *At a stuntman’s funeral*: He died for our scenes.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.