ME: I’d like to be your quarterback

MANAGER: This is a Dominos

ME: The sign said “Hiring All Positions”

MANAGER: [pauses for a moment, then takes out a Jersey from his desk] Touché

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Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.


By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers


A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.


ALEX TREBEK: it says here that you are on jeopardy
ME: correct
AT: this can’t be your fun fact
ME: *whispers* i don’t have anything else ok



– parents who let their kids have ice cream cones in the car


People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.


Producer *At a stuntman’s funeral*: He died for our scenes.


The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.