love pickles so much i put myself in one
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Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.