me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
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Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
went fishing caught a bass
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
saving face 👀
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight