Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends