me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
You Might Also Like
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I was just discussing this with my cat
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.