me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
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The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
oh you wanna fight?!
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Only you can prevent podcasts
DOOO EEEET
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]