me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
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My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
calling in to work dehydrated
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.