me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
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Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I鈥檓 carrying* no, of course not
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Real House Wines.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Mary Poppins: 馃幎A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down馃幎
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Me: I鈥檓 not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Decided don鈥檛 want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now