Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…

(whispers) boop your nose?

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?