ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
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“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.