ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
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doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.