Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.