me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
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If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days