Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..

I said, you too..

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense

good work, everybody

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing