@Reverend_Scott

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

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@TheWidowmakerX

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

@GrillyJoel

INTERVIEWER: so it says on your resume that your greatest strengths is correcting grammar and talking like a pirate?

ME: are

INTERVIEWER (impressed): Holy Shit

@DiamondLou69

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

@wittwitbarista

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

@BoobsRadley

“For rescuing me, I grant you 3 wishes,” said the magic fish.
The man paused. “My first wish is sex with a fish.” They stared at eachother.

@WordsOfaHooker

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

@TheRealPalMal

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.