Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
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INTERVIEWER: so it says on your resume that your greatest strengths is correcting grammar and talking like a pirate?
INTERVIEWER (impressed): Holy Shit
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.
“For rescuing me, I grant you 3 wishes,” said the magic fish.
The man paused. “My first wish is sex with a fish.” They stared at eachother.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.