me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
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WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Every
Single
Year
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.