Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.

If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.

Like, if you agree.

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.