me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
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My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin