Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
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keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Nice try, NASA
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.