Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

I found your tweet-up…

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.