ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
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how DARE
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Nice try, poison.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*