Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.