Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

*seductively peels off lederhosen

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.