Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

I am having an out of money experience.

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway