Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats…

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

Her: So, what is your major?

Him: I study forensics.

Her: Dude, that’s just 10!

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar