Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
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Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…