Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
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I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Skills
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9