Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why am I working on Labor Day

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me:

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%

Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

it must be school picture day

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.