Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

Huge, if true.

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

I don’t call them exes, I call them whys

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

Icarus loved hot wings.

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance