You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
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If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
*tries to learn from mistakes*
hey, teach me something
Thousands of married racists are waking up this morning and questioning the skin color of their spouse.
In a public restroom I found a sign that read “THINK” on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser “THOAP” to match with it
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”