@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

You Might Also Like

@kelly__le

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

@DaddyJew

*tries to learn from mistakes*

*pokes son*

hey, teach me something

@timdonakowski

Thousands of married racists are waking up this morning and questioning the skin color of their spouse.

@RamblingMachine

In a public restroom I found a sign that read “THINK” on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser “THOAP” to match with it

@NYC_Blonde

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

@ceejoyner

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

@copymama

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

@thejessbess

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

@Marlebean

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”