me: i’d like to make a complaint

optometrist: what is it?

me: the surgery i just had

optometrist: and?

me: [taking off sunglasses] do you see any laser eyes because i don’t

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[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.


Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.


Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out


Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account


I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.


The guy at the urinal next to me must really like my wrist watch.


I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.


I never make the same mistake twice. I do it five to six times, just to be sure.


*me on my deathbed, surrounded by loved ones*
“This has been a good life, I’m so happy to go peacefu-

*Linkedin comes crashing through the wall*


RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*