*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
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Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
bad news gang
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”