Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

I unironically love this joke.

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.