Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes