ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
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boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!