ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
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Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh