Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

Don’t tell me what to do

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.