Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok