Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

And then there were 4

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?