Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
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I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack