Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
You Might Also Like
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed