Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
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It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians