Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
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Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
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MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”![]()
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
constantly working on myself.
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* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.