ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
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Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket