ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
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“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Eggs benadryl my favourite
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫