ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
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This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.