Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.