me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
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“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
*pronounces patio like ratio
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there