me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
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other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.