Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!