ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
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for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers