ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
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The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
😲 WTF? 😆
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
why isn’t he texting back
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.