Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

Skip intro

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

What happened to the other hiker??!

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.