Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

58.

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

About to throw up

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn