Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

Spider-cat: No One Home

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?

I don’t get marriage

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

having children is a pyramid scheme.

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!