Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

[doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

Not all heroes wear capes…

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.