Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

Me: “Am I pretty?”

3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”

Me: “Am I handsome?”

3-year-old: “No.”

one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?