ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
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Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you